Witless Protection (2008)

NO STARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rated PG-13 for crude and sex-related humor.

97 Minutes

Written and Directed By: Charles Robert Carner

Staring: Larry The Cable Guy, Jenny McCarthy, Ivana Milicevic, Dan Waller, Yaphet Kotto, Peter Stormare, Eric Roberts, and Joe Mantegna

Dang, my hand hasn’t been this sore since the first episode of Baywatch! -Deputy Larry Stalder

Review

Admittedly I only suffered a viewing of this movie because my husband begged to rent it.  I enjoy Larry the Cable Guy’s stand up, and his previous film “Larry The Cable Guy” had inadvertent moments of funny to offer.  A few beers and it’s not a half bad movie.  Nonetheless, an entire case of beer wouldn’t have encouraged a moment of laughter from Witless Protection.  As a viewer you know going in this is no Academy Award winning film, and you also know you aren’t going to get Adam Sandler and Mike Myers talent of making successful and good offensive comedies.  You expect the campy overdone mockery of Tremors 2 or 3 and that was what I was looking for.  Each of those were worthy of best picture nominations next to Witless Protection.  In fact there have been adult films made with more of a plot, better soundtrack, and even better acting.

An ordinary guy from a small town plays deputy to a rapidly aging sheriff in a town where very little happens.  Deputy Larry Stalder has dreams and goals of becoming an FBI agent, though reality would deem him the least likely candidate for this job.  His record is a bit of a mess, making incorrect arrests and errors in hopes of making his big bust.  His desire to make his big bust leads him following a group of men in a black Suburban with a woman that Larry is convinced has been kidnapped.  Against the warnings of friends and his particularly attractive girlfriend, he attempts to “rescue” the woman.  He successfully apprehends the girl and escapes the kidnappers.  Or so he thought.  It turns out Larry has taken a woman that was being driven by the FBI to appear in court to testify in an important impending case.  Larry believes the FBI screwed up and this is his chance to shine.  He decides to take the woman in his own protective custody and get her to her court date, but first he must battle many great odds.

The same cheesy music played in the back round for the opening scene, as well as a romantic moment between Larry and Jenny McCarthy, and then shortly after, what was supposed to be a hysterical chase scene.  Finally after that, the director opted for some change up in the music, but it certainly wasn’t that much of an improvement.

The expectation of a complicated plot was not something I imagined would happen, but I also didn’t expect a plot so banal that my two year old could have scripted something more clever.  Honestly, Larry is a funny guy and Jenny McCarthy, while no brilliant actress, is hilarious, so how did the end of every line delivery end up never hitting the punchline?  I’m staggered by it’s ability to be so ineffectual in the funny department.  If a film is going to have no real story and extremely one dimensional character’s, the actors playing them are going to have to be over the top brilliant, and while on their own each of them are, together as a cast the entire group suffered immensely.

There is something tragically wrong with a movie when Larry The Cable Guy is by far the best actor.  I figured Jenny McCarthy to be able to wing it, or Ivana Milicevic, but they were both awkward and uncomfortable.  The worst performance was earned by Agent Orange/ MIB #1.  He’s lines were so forced and his acting so labored I literally held my breath each time he was onscreen hoping his scene would quickly be over.  It was obviously just terrible.

The PG-13 rating is a bit harsh.  Most of the sexual jokes would go over a ten year olds head, but I understand why it was given when jokes involving masturbation are prevalent.  Movies like Witless Protection often lack in many departments but overcome their simplistic nature with silliness, but unfortunately none of the elements that make a movie like this funny or even fun to laugh at how bad it is, never came together.  It was a complete disaster and thus far the worst movie I have seen of 2008. even surpassing the awful Meet The Spartans, which at least offered the occasional laugh.  Unlike Carmen Electra, Jenny McCarthy’s hotness didn’t even offer a saving grace here.  Witless Protection gets no stars.

Top Ten Gangster Movies

10. Get Shorty

This is one of the most charismatic movies ever onscreen, and possibly one of the funniest.  Chili Palmer, perhaps the smoothest guy ever to walk the face of earth, has an entire group of people that essentially want to kill him or beat him up, including Mobsters, but he just doesn’t care.  In fact, he crusades through Los Angelas as though he owns the place.  This is a fun and fantastical way to look at the insane and cutthroat existence that is the world of Hollywood.  The similarity between the crime world and Hollywood the film alludes to is a great way to let Chili make his transition.  While the film does take it’s shots, it’s mostly in a divine love affair with Hollywood at the same time.  There is a combination of violence, comedy, and just great storytelling that really gives this tongue in cheek story, that is fairly complicated, a real edge about it.  The colorful characters that litter the screen are all likable, even the bad guys.  While you want Ray Bones to get it, you find yourself laughing even though his character is infinitely serious.  With an all star cast to support the films already magnificent script based on Elmore Leonard’s graphic, smart novel that takes the dialogue for Palmer directly from it, this film is a rare kind of fun, plus an addition to the Mob movie family that is actually a comedy.  What makes it such a satisfying movie is the language of the characters, not so much their actions or desires.  The delivery of what they are saying is all about how they say it.  The one liners of this film are endless, and in the midst of wild double crossing, it retains it’s sense of humour.  Probably the great non-dramatic mob movies.

9. Scarface

When Fidel Castro opens the harbor at Mariel, Cuba, he sends 125,000 Cuban refugees to reunite with their relatives in the United States. In this group of dream seeking refugees, is Tony Montana, played irrelevantly by Al Pacino.  When Tony and his friend Manny arrive in the United States the pair start off working small time jobs, but it isn’t long before they are hired by Omar Suarez and are told to pay money to a group of Colombians.  Things go bad and suddenly we see another side of Tony and Manny, even though they leave with the money and succeed in their job.  When Tony meets with drug kingpin Frank Lopez he falls for his boss’s girl Elvira and learns that there is a high price to pay for those who want it all.  The price for power is one Tony does not shy from and becomes forever known as….SCARFACE.  Perhaps this isn’t the most powerful role of Pacino’s career, but even with the films somewhat dated feel, it remains a classic in the genre and revered by many today.

8. Reservoir Dogs

Six random criminals are gathered together and are hired by a crime boss Joe Cabot for a diamond heist.  Immediately they are given the option of anonymity when they are given false names.  This helps keeps the focus on the job rather than the intermingling relationships. Of course the audience is subject to the same lack of knowledge, but the curiosity is there. When a done deal job seems clearly made, the police arrive at the scene of the crime, spreading panic and distrust among the “Misters”.  Violence and mayhem ensues, resulting in the death of one of the members.  The distrust spreads to rampant paranoia and the suspicion of an undercover sends the criminals into their worst possible states of mind, and all at odds with one another.  This Tarantino flick grabs you from the start and never stops till the final scene.

7. The Godfather

Here lies The Godfather Part I.  Will Part II make it to the list?  At this point that’s irrelevant, and clearly the original of the series belongs somewhere on this prestigious list.  The story begins as “Don” Vito Corleone, the head of a New York Mafia “family”, oversees his daughter’s wedding. When his son Michael has just come home from the war a proclaimed “hero” the family embraces him, even though he does not intend to become part of his father’s business. It isn’t unknown to Micheal that the nature of the family business becomes isn’t necessarily the most honest livings, and for that he chooses his own path. When Don Vito is resistant to changes of the new “mob mentality” the benevolence of other families takes a hit on the Don, and only Michael is of sound enough mind to protect his ailing father.  Michael’s sacrifices and his fathers safety make him pay a high, high price, though one he falls very neatly into.  This deliberate tale is one of the greatest films ever made, and certainly worthy of a spot on this list.  A must watch for anyone and everyone.

6. The Untouchables (1987)

Somehow people forget how ridiculously brilliant this film actually is.  Entertaining on all levels with a high class cast, and high octane action and storytelling this interpretation of 1920’s prohibition Chicago shows corruption from within to the worst criminals, all the way to Al Capone.  It’s a story everyone knows made into fun fiction. Treasury agent EliotNess picks just two cops to help him and his accountant colleague. One is a sharp-shooting rookie, the other a seen-it-all beat man. The four of them are ready to battle Capone and his empire, but it could just be that guns are not the best way to get him.  This is classic good fun with a dark side.

5. Casino

It’s difficult to comprehend why this movie is acknowledged often enough.  It may be a tip bit long, but lets just say it: Who does gangster movies like Martin Scorsese?  No ONE.  Three of my top five films are made by him and Casino is no slouch in comparison to it’s nominated brothers. DeNiro, Pesci, and Stone are simply at their best in this riveting tale based on a real life story.  Martin Scorsese takes us to Las Vegas where it has a glitters, sparkling it’s wickedly glamorous face, as well as show the cruel underbelly beneath. Ace Rothstein and Nicky Santoro are hard core mobsters who move to Las Vegas and live and work in this paradoxical world. The film perceived from their perspectives, shows the details of mob involvement in the casinos of the 1970’s and ’80’s. There is a Shakespearean tragedy about the tale as all inevitably fall.

4. The Departed

Scorsese makes great gangster films, and a great one hasn’t been made in nearly a decade, not one of this caliber. The score, which molded in beautifully, especially the scene with Farminga and DiCaprio with Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”. It left goosebumps on my arms. The cinematography was gritty and abrasive with his typical edge. Every character was flawless in creation, and every scene was enigmatic and mesmerizing. The plot escalates to a level unseen or even attempted by most movie makers these days. I won’t give away the details, but it is the morning after and still I am completely in awe by what I just saw. Every once in awhile you take a trip to the theatre and are completely moved and shocked by what you see. The Departed dumbfounded me. Go, if you haven’t already, and see The Departed.

3. Donnie Brasco

This is a highly underrated film.  Somehow it often gets lost in the mix.  It is another film based on a true story that follows FBI agent JoePistone as he infiltrates the mafia of New York. In his job he Befriends Lefty Ruggiero, Pistone while toting the alias of Donnie Brasco.  He gets in deep and embeds himself in the mafia faction that is headed by Sonny Black. Ruggiero and Pistone become tight as the group goes about collecting money for ‘the bosses’. Eventually, the group become big time when Black himself becomes a boss, all the while Pistone collects evidence. However, years of torturous trials and tribulations and basically being in too deep wears on Pistone and his family. When his family begins to fall apart there also becomes the suspension of a rat in the mix.   Even knowing his own moral compass and understanding what his job was Pistone still finds the most difficult part of his job turning in Ruggiero, who had in his own way become a friend.  It is a tripped out movie that really evaluates moral ambiguities by exploring things from the bad guys perspective without the intent of glamorizing the life of crime.  It’s a harsh and confusing reality.

2. The Godfather Part II

The Godfather Part II has been hailed as perhaps the best sequel of all time, not to mention the argument that it’s even better than it’s predecessor, The Godfather. On both accounts the arguments are fair, if not, nearly a fact. This film set out with a much more ambitious goal in it’s tragic magnificence than it’s original. It tells two stories of two crime lords who are related but their stories nowhere near the same. The story of Micheal reflects him being unbound by the two main principles that his father instilled in him. One involving the importance of family and the second regarding enemies, but when Micheal is faced with the dilemma of family being the enemy he must make a decision that could startle the heart of your coldest man. The film comes full circle finally at the end when comparing how things once were in Vito’s time and how they are finally coming to an end in Micheal’s.  The Godfather Part II is the epitome of a classic American Gangster story. All that have been made since can only strive to meet it’s beautiful composure. The simple tale remains the same, but they way it’s told is how you remember it. It’s commitment to the ideals of the first movie and just continuing the masterful story, and by letting it simply tell itself is genius in itself. The Godfather Part II is it’s own prodigy.

1. Goodfellas

Goodfella’s is actually based on the book written by Nicholas Pileggi called Wiseguy.  It’s based on the true story of Henry Hill.  Martin Scorsese does one of his most brilliant jobs of directing the this gangster movie.  He makes the choice to have Henry Hill narrate throughout the film and I think it was one of the deciding factors that made the viewer connect with the character.  There were so many things Henry explained that the viewer wouldn’t have understood.  The story is really set up so you understand the true nature of the mafia, what they’ll do for one another, and the type of people that become gangsters.  In the early scenes after Henry takes up with Paulie, he talks about people carrying his mothers groceries home for her.  And his response to it is they did it out of respect.  But Scorsese pans out the movie so that the wide eyed excitement of youth in mafia goes awry when you are riddled with greed and a hunger for power, and suddenly he has the characters unwinding by their own delusion of their invincibility. The journey’s that each character takes and the development of the story is remarkable.  Since Goodfellas was released in 1990 there has only been one gangster movie that was close to as good as it, and that was The Departed, another Scorsese phenomenon.  The scope of the movie, the ability to include so much about the characters, the plot line, and the bigger picture was never lost.

Honorable Mentions: Road To Perdition, Snatch, Heat, Analyze This, Boyz n the hood, American Gangster, Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction, Carlitos Way, On The Waterfront, Bonnie and Clyde, Menace To Society, Dick Tracy, and Bugsy

Coming Soon: Candyland

Candyland……….The Movie????????

No.  This is not a farce.  A trick to get you to come visit my website and discover all the other cool stuff I’ve got going on here.  It is in face very true.  There is a Candyland movie in the works to be made.  Supported through Universal Studios and set to be directed by Kevin Lima who is responsible for the cheesy yet sweet and clever Enchanted.  The script is being written by Etan Cohen who is better known for the screenplay of Tropic Thunder, Idiocracy, and work as a writer on the shows “King Of The Hill” and “Beavis and Butthead”.  Apparently Candyland is not the only Hasbro game being adapted into a motion picture.  Monopoly is slated to be directly by Ridley Scott in the future and there is also talk of a “Hot Wheels” movie.

The CEO of Hasbro, Brian Goldner told MTV News:

“Imagine if you took that basic idea of going to a better place, and then allowed the audience to go to that same place together.  But then you come to find out, like every other place that’s promised to just be all better and all sweets and candy, you come to find out there’s actually some controversy there as well, that of course the stars of the movie have to solve for.”

How this will be made into an actual movie I don’t know.  The game itself is obviously simplistic enough for a three year old to play, and what the general audience it will be geared to either I can only imagine.  How will the world be realized?  Is Kevin Lima going to use a portal of two worlds connecting like he did in Enchanted or will it be more like a Jumanji and Zathura type film?  I think a dark and surreal Candyland would appeal to my taste more, but then this idea is just bonkers anyway.  What’s next? Chutes and Ladders?

Snatch (2000)

Rated R for strong violence, language and some nudity.
104 Minutes

Written And Directed By: Guy Ritchie
Staring: Jason Statum, Brad Pitt, Dennis Farina, Benicio del Toro, Ade, Ewen Bremner, Sam Douglas, Adam Fogerty, Jason Flemyng, Alan Ford, Stephen Graham, Lennie James, Jimmy Roussounis, Rade Serbedzija, Mike Reid, and Vinnie Jones

You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity. -Bullet Tooth Tony

Review

Bare Knuckle Boxing, British gangsters, pigs with a taste for man, and Pikeys are the recipe for the film Snatch.  Countered by an insanely talented and charismatic cast, with a cleverly written script by Guy Ritchie, and a nonstop pace ofentertainment for the audience makes this one of the most exciting and enjoyable movies to begin a new decade.  A twisting story told from individual perspectives that eventually connect together one way or another, with an absolutely fantastic array of characters that make this movie an adventure of a wild and crazy surrounding the fate of a stolen diamond.

Snatch begins with an eight-four karat diamond that is “snatched” and as the story unfolds it falls into hands after sets of hands of villains.  Between a boxing match set up by a gangster and a corrupt bookie, the fate of the diamond and the fight becomes the vision of the story, and a very interesting character dark action styled comedy.

While Snatch is a film that takes place in the UK with some pretty amazing dialects they are for the most part easy to understand unlike “TheCommitments “.  Once you get past the very strong culture shock, this movie will blow you away.  The constant pace keeps you aware of what’s happening but also keeps the mystery just at bay.  It’s obvious everything is going to come together at one point, but it’s never clear how that’s going to happen or what the final result will be and since all the character’s are essentially “villains” it’s even more elusive.

Even in the midst of tantalizing performances there were a few that stood out.  Dennis Farina and Benicio del Toro are only in the film briefly but each of their roles are magnetic and scene stealing.  Brad Pitt’s role as Mickey the Pikey is embedded in my mind as one of the standout roles of his career, probably only slightly overshadowed by Jeffrey Goines and Tyler Durden.  There was a level of controlled insanity about the character.  He seemed like a wild untamed dog, but at the same time a very controled method behind his madness lingered behind his primitive eyes.  Next to the diamond his character becomes the unintentional centerpiece for the tale, and certainly one of the most fascinating parts of the movie.  Next to him is Bullet Proof Tony played by Vinnie Jones is a bounty hunter that says clever and reflective things in spite of what his character stereotype is.  His cool and calm demeanor in the face of death and violence makes him a character you simply don’t forget about.

The role of Turkish was played by Jason Statum, and while slightly overshadowed by Pitt’s performance is the glue that holds the film together.  His character Turkish is a small time fight promoter who somehow finds himself in the mix of a diamond missing from a diamond heist and is now under the thumb of the psychotic gangster Brick Top who enjoys feeding his victims to his pigs.  Turkish, though a victim ofcircumstance, always has his wits about himself.  He seems like the kind of guy who could talk his way out of anything.  Always with something clever to say, and a glint of something darker lingering behind his eyes, you can see there’s more to Turkish than meets the eye.  I love the mystery of this character, and the fact that even though he’s always reacting to what’s happening around him, he’s always in charge of himself.  This was the first role I really began to recognize who Jason Statum was.

Snatch is a film based around interesting villains that pose as our anti-heros and make a great mob related movie that never stopsentertaining.  The plot may be twisted and even at times hard to follow, but it makes for a joyful re-watch again and again.  You catch things you never anticipated and only adds to how great the movie actually is.  At the very least this movie is unlike anything you’ve ever seen before and is one to be revisited again and again.

Malfoy’s Magic Stick

Garfield (2004)

Rated PG for brief mild language.
80 Minutes

Directed By: David Hewitt
Written By: Joel Cohen
Staring: Bill Murray, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Brecklin Myers, Stephen Tobolowsky, and Evan Arnold

Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of lasagna. -Garfield

The infamous fat, orange, witty cat named Garfield (Bill Murray) spends his days taunting the neighborhood dog, stealing the neighbors milk, and sniping his owner Jon’s(Brecklin Myers) food.  After a routine visit to the vet, Garfield’s doctor Liz (Jennifer Love Hewitt) suggests that Jon adopt a second pet, a dog named Odie.  Jon is swayed by his crush on Liz and agrees.  When Odie is brought home he receives the royal treatment while Garfield is cast aside.  In a strange accident, Odie is dog-napped by a local celebrity named Happy Chapman (Stephen Tobolowsky) who is looking for a new star pet.  Garfield decides he must save Odie.

Based on the idea of the beloved comic strip by Jim Davis Garfield is materialized into a CGI character with the voice over of Bill Murray.  If I ever imagined a person’s voice to portray the sarcastic nature that is Garfield, Bill Murray was the right choice.  His comic timing is impeccable, especially being translated through the CG cat.  Unfortunately for this film the director chose to split the film into CGI with live action.  Have directors not learned yet?  So far only Peter Jackson has really mastered a real interactive character with humans in a live action film.  Garfield fails miserably on this point.  The cat while infectious is obviously not a part of the world he is in.  I suggest to director’s in the future to take the time to make the character fit into the live action world, not simply place it there.

The story itself is entirely typical.  Man gets new pet, likes new pet more.  Garfield gets jealous, is mean to new pet.  New pet is lost, bad guy gets new pet, and Garfield has to save the day, then man is happy, gets the girl, and they all are one happy family.  It seems to be teaching some lesson about friendship.  What it was, was unimaginative and boring.

Some typical Garfield moments will bring a smile to old fans faces.  His love of lasagna, and even the first fifteen minutes when we are exposed to the sarcastic, lazy cat as he is, instead of what the film manipulated him to be.

Perhaps the simple and uncomplicated story won’t be lost on a child audience, but it is insulting for an adult with a mind about them.  Perhaps if the film had committed to a complete live action flick or cartoon, this premise and storyline would have banked, but the combination of the two was just awful.  From the tragic CGI to awful interpretation of our famous bumbling nerd Jon this story is empty and boring.

Zack And Miri Make A Porno (2008)

Rated R on appeal for strong crude sexual content including dialogue, graphic nudity and pervasive language.
101 Minutes

Written and Directed By: Kevin Smith
Staring: Seth Rogan, Elizabeth Banks, Traci Lords, Jeff Anderson, Tisha Campbell-Martin, Justin Long, Katie Morgan, Craig Robinson, Brandon Routh, and Ricky Mabe

What? Han Solo ain’t never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War! -Delaney

Review

Only Kevin Smith could make a romantic comedy about making a porno film and get away with it.  In his newest comedy that has intricately twisted a romance in it, we get to see the Kevin Smith that I’m used to.  Unapologetic bathroom humor, blatant sexual language, and of course dialogue that is written for the mind rather than actually speaking, but Smith stays true to form and pulls it off in a way that paces itself naturally, making this film humanized even in it’s subject matter.  Zack and Miri may be a little hardcore for a more mainstream audiences, but the love story within is cute enough that it won’t offend the tough at heart, but will still open a wider appeal to those who aren’t acclimated to Smith’s crude humor.

Times are hard and  people are struggling.  Zack and Miri are no exceptions this.  Each have jobs that barely pay the bills but certainly aren’t anything one might call a career.  At their ten year reunion they are slapped in the face by disappointments , only to return home to a house without electricity.  Desperate to get their lives in order they conceive the idea to make a porno movie for quick money.  Somewhere in the mix of making “Star Whores” Zack and Miri find that there is maybe something more going on between them.  How in the midst of making a porno together and surviving a lifelong friendship will they get the film made, save themselves financially, and discover the true meaning of their relationship.

The title says it all.  Either this movies content is going to be for you or not.  It cleverly says what we all think in relationships, while somehow creating a porn flick in the midst.   The romance actually works even in it’s insane setting which tells me Smith really does know romance just as well as raunchy funsies.  The originality was there, the acting was right on, and the character’s were wild and entertaining, yet still tangible.  Zack and Miri was a film that balanced Smith’s fantastical universe with comedy and made it seem realistic.

The Star Wars part was every geek boys wet dream come true, even though it’s final creation was thwarted.  Any fanboy of lightsabors and Sith Lords had a happy ending with this portion of the film.  It was definitely the comedic highlight for myself as a huge fan of Star Wars.  It’s just one of those personal Kevin Smith moments where he definitely adds his own personal sense of humor to the film.  The familiarity of Star Wars and the obvious affection Smith has for it just makes it even more amusing.

Supporting the unrealistic dialogue was the great acting skills of Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks.  They really sold Smith’s language in a way that translated naturally making the audience believe people actually talk this way.  There was a kinetic energy bursting between Banks and Rogan that burst across threw the screen.  The hilarious supporting crew including Jason Mewes and Jeff Anderson, plus a few other surprise cameo’s if you find them, only added layers of funny to the roles.  The casting was great and so were the performances.

As usual Smith’s movies aren’t for everyone but you can’t take away from his very individual talent.  What he does and what he tries to achieve he succeeds at.  This was one of his more enjoyable movies of recently and far better than Clerks II and probably his best since Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.  This film showed that Smith might be maturing slightly, but that boys still never really grow up.  Also the fact that he didn’t find it necessary to bring Jay and Silent Bob back and connect the rest of his films together showed a level of positive change, even though those characters are adored, they’ve kinda said all they’ve had to say.  Zack and Miri was a film that showed real growth from him but also contained everything that I love about his old movies as well.  Zack and Miri was a HUGE comic success for me.  This is one I want on my DVD rack.

Monster Madness: Creature #2

Freddy Krueger

“When I was alive, I might have been a little naughty… but after they killed me, I became something much, much worse… the stuff nightmares are made of.”

Freddy Krueger is the ultimate horror classic villain.  With the perfect casting of Robert Englund as Frederick Charles Krueger who was the product of the violent rape of the nun Amanda Krueger by one hundred maniacs.  A tormented child, he may be biggest bad of the big bad horror villains, but his back story and motivations and reasons for going all maniacal are actually empathetic.  The deep and twisted history and who he was and what he became makes him all the more fearsome, but also tangible.  His twisted and masochistic back round coupled with his choice of victims and the way he haunts them, makes him top of the list of scary and definitely a good choice for Monster Madness.

“People tout the fearsome merits of being stalked by a soundless, soulless, relentless killer as a height of psychological terror.  Not for me.  Being butchered by someone who is able to tell you how much they are enjoying it, what it means to them, and that they’ll keep doing it over and over, again and again to as many people as they can, that’s a fearsome thing.“  -Marc R. Luce

Top Ten Cinematic Serial Killers

10. Ghostface (Scream)

“Do you LIKE scary movies?”

Yes – in the end he ends up being played by multiple actors, but the character exists as a single entity for so much of the film that I count him as being singular.   What can you do when an entire genre of movies has so pumped the well dry that sand is all that remains.  Do you abandon it, and try for a new well?  You could – or you do what Ghostface does and show people that the sand has value it’s self.  It’s the fact that the well has been drained, that we all have taken in the mythology of the slasher film that Ghostface exploits.  We are familiar with the dangers and risks slashers pose, so he plays on that knowledge, and twists new dangers and deaths.  Yes, sequilitits causes him diminishing returns, but the original stands the test of time.

9. Son Of Sam aka David Berkowitz (Summer Of Sam)

“I’m Sam. Dave Berkowitz.”

The Summer Of Sam is Spike Lee’s take on the “Son of Sam” murders in New York City during the summer of 1977.  Centering on the residents of an Italian-American South Bronx neighborhood who live in fear and distrust of one another. The compelling aspect of the movie is the curiosity of who the murderous killer actually is.  While his face andidentity isn’t revealed until deep into the movie, the elusiveness of his crimes, the fear built on the unknowing, and the tension the movie builds makes DavidBerkowitz the most compelling and scary serial killer who doesn’t visually appear on screen.  His crimes are as heinous as they come, but the mystery is what makes this “character” soprovocative.

8. Early Grayce (Kalifornia)

“No. Tell me something, big time. How are you going to write a book about something you know nothing about? “

The film focuses on a psychology student and his girlfriend who are traveling cross-country to research serial killers, when ironically the couple that they is sharing the ride on the trip is exactly what they are searching for.  Pitt plays Early Grayce, the serial killer on the trip.  Just losing his job at the mirror factory he is planning on leaving the state.  His parole officer tells him if he doesn’t find a new job he’ll be arrested, so Early plans an escape after picking up an ad.  In route he has aconfrontation with his landlord that ends in the landlord being killed and disposed of by Early, and thus a trip that involves carnage and destruction, not to mention an ending that you won’t forget.  Brad Pitt is anything but the playboy heartthrob he’s considered as.  In one of his best roles ever, he is diabolical and terrifying as Early.

7. Henry Portrait Of A Serial Killer

“If you shoot someone in the head with a .45 every time you kill somebody, it becomes like your fingerprint, see? But if you strangle one, stab another, and one you cut up, and one you don’t, then the police don’t know what to do. They think you’re four different people. What they really want, what makes their job so much easier, is pattern. What they call a modus operandi. That’s Latin. Bet you didn’t know any Latin, did you kid?”

Some of the best kind of horror and scary in film is what you don’t see, what is left to the imagination and Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer displays that sense of scare tactic to the fullest extent.  One of the most frightening serial killers ever to grace the screen displays many murders and kills that end visually violently, but the most frightening are the ones we don’t get to see. A close conception to reality makes this movie and this character far more tangible than some of the other more notable killers on this list, but Henry proved the normal guy next store, the real serial killers of the world are the ones to watch out for, not necessarily the “monsters” portrayed more often on the big screen.  Watching Henry from his point of view was ever more terrifying.W

6. Norman Bates (Psycho)

“fals-fals-fals-falsity. Because birds really eat a tremendous lot. But -I-I don’t really know anything about birds. My hobby is stuffing things. You know – taxidermy.”

Each time I watch Psycho, I look for subtle signs, moments where Norman shows he is a little crazy, but it never happens.  The situations with “mother” make sense, but Norman was just as polite and insecure in ever scene, until the monster is revealed.  The story of Norman Bates is horrific, but also tragic.  His sweetness and eagerness to please is evident, but when the truth of who and what he is becomes revealed the character becomes more than a savage killer.  It becomes completely melancholy, for all those that suffered because of Norman’s illness.  Anthony Perkins was riveting in the role, and unfortunately for him never really got the opportunity to be another character outside Norman.  Maybe his fate was somehow linked with Normans.  Norman Bates is a character that will live on forever.

5. Peter Foley (Copycat)

“OK, I see Helen. Nice try. You wanna know a little secret? Huh? I’m on to your trick. I won’t kill you fast no matter how much you’re gonna want me to.”

A psychiatrist that’s focus is on serial murders becomes attacked and almost murdered by a killer obsessed with her.  Daryll Lee Cullum is captured and put in jail while Helen continues her research, and has become massively agoraphobic.  When a new serial killer whom the city homicide department is tracking is copying some of the most famous murders of the last century like Jeffrey Dahlmer, the Hillside Strangler, and the Boston Strangler. The most horrific killers that ever walked the earth are being mimicked and Peter Kurten is responsible, and not only responsible, but with an even more frightening agenda in mind.  His devious plan unveils at the shocking end, giving a memorable finale that makes this character one of the most compelling serial killers in cinema history.

4. Mickey and Mallory Knox (Natural Born Killers)

Mickey: I love you, Mal.

Mallory: I know you do baby, and I’ve loved you since the day we met.

The film opens with Mickey Knox (Woody Harrelson) and his wife Mallory (Juliette Lewis) in a mom and pop restaurant with Mickey eating key lime pie and Mallory dancing to rock ‘n’ roll on the jukebox.  They look normal enough, but something is clearly off.  When a group of rednecks arrive and one of them begins dancing and flirting with Mallory she responds with interest, but then attacks him without provocation by smashing his beer bottle as he drinks it.  Mallory beats the man and when his friend attempts to intervene, Mickey stabs him to death. Mickey and Mallory then proceed to murder the diner’s patrons, culminating in a morbid game ofEeny, meeny, miny, moe to decide who lives and who dies. After executing their final victim, the couple make sure the only survivor remembers their names before they embrace and declare their undying love, as fireworks go off in the background.  They might kill viciously, but their love is just as profound as their murderous spree making them the most terrifying serial killer couple around.

3. Hannibal Lector

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

Clarice Starling is a young FBI agent that has been given the assignment to interview the vicious and despicable serial killer Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lector. Intelligent, cunning, and vicious Hannibal fed on his victims after he killed them.  Sir Anthony Hopkins performance as Lector was the perfect contrast to Clarice’s shaky, careful naivete. Lector was confident, but not arrogant. He was perceptive, sinister, and even polite. In some ways almost likable, despite his heinous crimes. While portrayed as a monster he sees himself as an artist. The scenes between the two, separated only by the thick glass, contained unbelievably dynamic interchanges that propelled an already eerie film.  Hannibal is one of the most remarkable villains ever.

2. Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

“There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable… I simply am not there.”

Talk about delusions of evil and ideas of grandeur.  Patrick Bateman is the ultimate sociopath.  His ability to blend so efficiently in society yet be so detached is the most compelling aspect of Patrick Bateman to endure.  His fixation with Huey Lewis and Phil Collins showed an obsession with details and things, but an indifference to people and life.  Obsessing over his business card and the best restaurant in town becomes an anxiety driven focus.  His apathy towards the people that he was supposedly engaged with in friendships, relationships, or sexual partners with has moments of pure and utter amusement, but only because we are perceiving the situations from Bateman’s perspective.  The impassive perspective of his vision of the world is strange and darkly enchanting.  Even in his most grave moments of violence and reality being distorted, there is something gruesomely delightful about it all, but I guess that’s the point.

1. John Doe (Se7en)

“Innocent? Is that supposed to be funny? An obese man… a disgusting man who could barely stand up; a man who if you saw him on the street, you’d point him out to your friends so that they could join you in mocking him; a man, who if you saw him while you were eating, you wouldn’t be able to finish your meal. After him, I picked the lawyer and I know you both must have been secretly thanking me for that one. This is a man who dedicated his life to making money by lying with every breath that he could muster to keeping murderers and rapists on the streets!”

An interesting twist, we don’t see the actual killer until the end of the film, but it’s anticipated arrival did not let us down. John Doe, played by Kevin Spacey, was not only articulate but actually makes his argument for his deeds seem almost plausible, even agreeable.  Like other movies on this list Se7en has at least “seven” noteworthy deaths in it’s film.  Making the fat man eat till his stomach exploded for gluttony, or the awful torture of the lazy child molester, and even worse the brutal murder of the prostitute for lust, were just deaths that are beyond comprehension.  It was the psychologically disturbing death of John Doe that was the most resounding of the heavily impacting film.  When Detective Mills realizes John Doe has murdered his beloved wife and cut her head off and mailed it to him, his mind goes into a flutter of inconceivable insanity.  I remember watching this for the first time and trying to keep the chunks from rising in my throat, the idea was so incredibly appalling.  When he shot John Doe it wasn’t shocking he did it, but being the finale of his well thought out symphony was maniacal and utterly genius.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Leatherface, Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Mr. Brooks, Ed Gein, The Deliberate Strangler, The Scorpio Killer, Zodiac, Buffullo Bill, Carl Rudolph Stargher, Dead Calm, Monster, The Boston Strangler, and Chucky

Hitch (2005)

Rated PG-13 for language and some strong sexual references.
118 Minutes

Directed By: Andy Tennant
Written By: Kevin Bisch
Staring: Will Smith, Eva Mendes, Kevin James, Amber Valletta, Julie Ann Emery, and Adam Arkin

Basic Principles – no woman wakes up saying “God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!” Now, she might say “This is a really bad time for me,” or something like “I just need some space,” or my personal favorite “I’m really into my career right now.” You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? ‘Cause she’s lying to you, that’s why. You understand me? Lying! It’s not a bad time for her. She doesn’t need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she’s really saying is “Uh, get away from me now,” or possibly “Try harder, stupid,” but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you’re saying ain’t coming out of your mouth. Of course she’s going to lie to you! She’s a nice person! She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? She doesn’t even know you… yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn’t know what she wants until she sees it, and that’s where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles – no matter what, no matter when, no matter who… any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom. -Hitch

Review

Director Andy Tennant continues to prove that there is actually room for a more contemporary romantic comedy.  Sure he’s hit a few bumps around the way with Sweet Home Alabama and It Takes Two (though financially lucrative were pieces of crap), but has been successful with films entertaining and evolving with substance like Ever After and Anna And The King.  Hitch is another example of his insight into both the male and female psyche of the sexes, integrating honest perspectives from both sides, making a romance that a couple can actually enjoy together.

This is a film that takes a twist on the modern day woman searching for man stereotype, and makes a film about men who are looking for love in a world of jaded women.  With a back round of people in general being cautious about the dating game love seems an almost impossible achievement.  “Hitch” played by Smith is a guy who’s been at the opposite end of the “Love Guru” and learned over the years basically “What Women Want” and created a business as a consultant helping men meet the woman of their dreams and falling in love.  Mushy gushy yes, but EvaMendes and her interpretation of a woman in power of her career and love life balances it out with an ever eager and smooth Smith who finds himself at odds being awkward and very unlike his normal suave persona.

Hitch does hit a lot of the typical romance film bumps, but it does so in a way that isn’t on a superficial level.  It unravels itself naturally and is constantly charming. Tennant knows how to structure his films around the talents of his lead actors, and letting Will Smith, Kevin James, and Eva Mendes really come into their own.  Allowing them this freedom he fully utilized each of them by displaying what each of them do best.  Kevin James never got too over the top, but maintained his sweetness. Mendes was sultry, smart, and funny, but also a character women could relate to.  Smith was what Smith usually does best; a handsome smooth talking scene stealing star.  Even when he’s in the wrong movies or wrong roles he’s so incredibly talented his character’s are stillirresistible , and Hitch was no exception.  It almost seemed the role was orchestrated with the idea of Will Smith playing it.  Without him the film would have lost half it’s style and interest, but that’s usually the way of it with his overwhelming charm.

What I enjoyed most about Hitch was that it explored how the actual idea of romance has been crushed and destroyed in modern society.  Even though men and women both deep down enjoy the idea of romance and relationships, the world has been desensitized to the idea of realistic romance.  There are still romantic comedies being made, and people still flock to see them,  yet the dating game has become even more complicated and difficult for the last few generations.  This movie explores that in the light hearted way that romantic comedies were meant to.  Some of the obvious answers are there, and the ending is predictable, but the ride through that predictability makes it only moderately annoying.

I really enjoyed this movie and even with Will Smith on the billing was not something that I anticipated.  It’s one of those movies that plays over and over again on TNT and I think just about anybody male, female, old, or young would find some guilty pleasures in.  Hitch is Will Smith at his best and overall it’s just a simple story built to make you laugh and smile.  In that it succeeds.  A great date movie for everyone.

Will Smith: July Review Star

Date of Birth

September 25, 1968 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA

Birth Name

Willard Christopher Smith Jr.

Nickname

Fresh Prince

Since he is considered the “King” of the fourth of July opening weekend it’s only fair we acknowledge Will Smith’s body of work this month.  He turned down the role of Neo in The Matrix and once stated that in his whole career, he most regrets turning down the part of Neo in The Matrix (1999) and the film that he most regrets making was Wild Wild West (1999).

1. Monster Hunter (2010)

2. Seven Pounds (2008) …. Ben Thomas
3. Hancock (2008) …. John Hancock
4. I Am Legend (2007) …. Robert Neville
5. The Pursuit of Happyness (2006) …. Chris Gardner
6. Hitch (2005/I) …. Alex ‘Hitch’ Hitchens
7. Shark Tale (2004) …. Oscar
8. I, Robot (2004) …. Del Spoone
9. Bad Boys II (2003) …. Detective Mike Lowrey
   
10. Ali (2001) …. Cassius Clay / Muhammad Ali
11. The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000) …. Bagger Vance
12. Wild Wild West (1999) …. Capt. James West
13. Enemy of the State (1998) …. Robert Clayton Dean
14. Men in Black (1997) …. James Darrel Edwards III
    
15. Independence Day (1996) …. Captain Steven Hiller
    
16. “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” …. William ‘Will’ Smith (146 episodes, 1990-1996)
    
17. Bad Boys (1995) …. Mike Lowrey
18. Six Degrees of Separation (1993) …. Paul
19. Made in America (1993) …. Tea Cake Walters

Brad Pitt Poll Results

Tyler Durden WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer Text	Votes	%
	Tyler Durden (Fight Club)	28	29%
	Achilles (Troy)	16	16%
	Jeffrey Goines (12 Monkeys)	15	15%
	Mickey O’Neil (Snatch)	7	7%
	Tristan Ludlow (Legends Of The Fall)	5	5%
	Dec. David Mills (Se7en)	5	5%
	Louie (Interview Vampire)	5	5%
	Benjamin Button	5	5%
	Joe Black (Meet Joe Black)	4	4%
	Rusty Ryan (Ocean’s Series)	4	4%
	Other answer…	3	3%
	Early Grace (Kalifornia)	0	0%
	J.D. (Thelma and Louise)	0	0%
		97

Transformers Part 3: John Doe’s Revenge

Fight Club (1999)

Rated R for disturbing and graphic depiction of violent anti-social behavior, sexuality and language.
139 Minutes

Directed By: David Fincher
Written By: Jim Uhls
Staring: Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Helena Bonham Carter, Meat Loaf, Zach Grenier, George Maguire, and Jared Leto

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time. -Narrator

Review

Every once in awhile a movie happens that changes your perspective on not just film but even your life.  Fight Club was one of those rare films.  It simultaneously made you laugh, made you think, and maybe even repulses you in a strange way.  There wasn’t a movie made like this before and hasn’t been since.  Screaming out in angst the words of Chuck Palahniuk are realized in a new forum to contemplate this mind bending story of self awareness.  This movie has grown a cult following over the years and when it was released it was very trendy to “like” it, but the sad thing about Fight Club is a lot of people “liked” it for all the wrong reasons, and because of this some of it’s profound impact has been lost in the last decade.

If there was a film to bring closure to the angst of the 90’s it was Fight Club.  The frustrated flannel days were meeting their end, but the fight against all that the generation of grunge supporters reveled against was not at all lost.  Fight Club was a cry against all that was later to corrupt the generations of today and without any doubt about it, the soundtrack of The Pixies “Where Is My Mind” closing the film could not have been any more poignant in it’s message.

The violence, the dialogue and the concept of a two sided personality appealed to the obvious viewers who took to the film being “cool” and unquestionably that stuff was pretty cool, but what all those things represented and the deeper complexity brewing below was what really made Fight Club tick and have the longevity to be one of the more important films to mark a generation or time in cinema.  The idea that we as a youth were being compromised by focusing on so many “things” that we all “need” took us away from what Man is at the very core.  One can’t be defined by the things they own, but by who they are and what they are about.  Until you take those things away and look at what is left you can’t really see who you are.  This entireideology was somehow conveyed in Fight Club, which was in my thoughts fantastically portrayed in the form of a dark comedy.

This generation is more obsessed with what Fight Club predicted as a future, “the woe of suburbia”.  Music reflects it, TV programming reflects it, and consumerism reflects the fact that the newest generation is littered with a group of people obsessed with material things.  Technological toys are the defining principles of people, and MTV tells kids who to vote for and what to wear.  Theindividual has been replaced by a herd of followers wanting to have everything that television tells them is so important.  When Tyler Durden preaches, these were the things he talked about, and whether you agree with him or not, the ideology behind his vision of what was happening to our good country is rather poignant.  Crushing economic debt by ridding of all the credit card companies, making people economic equals was a radical thought, but considering what the country is going through at this time, perhaps it was something people should have contemplated maybe a little more seriously.

David Fincher knew what he was doing and no other director could have pulled this film off.  That being said, there couldn’t have been two better actors than Brad Pitt and Edward Norton playing the roles of Tyler Durden and The Narrator.  With Helena Bonham Carter as the mischievous love intrest adding a strange female perspective, but also a tool to explore the dynamic of Tyler Durden and The Narrator’s relationship was  brilliant casting.  The reveal at the end suddenly makes each of their names mean something a little more when giving it a repeat viewing, but then the film itself becomes almost a new movie the second and third and hundredth time around.  This film doesn’t stop asking questions and doesn’t leave any doors closed to explore.  It constantly evolves with your own perspective on the situations and that insane ingenuity is only a small part of the genius it took to construct every aspect of this film.

This film had incredible depths, entertainment value, and a shocking balance of all the elements that make a good movie.  Fight Club is without question one of the greatest films ever made, with some of the most extreme concepts, perplexing questions, and moreover a plot that will drive those who are compelled to look further into it than it being a “cool” movie, even though it IS cool.  Hands down one of my favorite movies of all time and by far one of the most relevant movies of a generation ending and a new age opening.  This is the transition of a lifestyle and ideology of people while still entertaining.  What more can you ask for?  Guys beating each other up?  Check.  Buildings exploding?  Check.  Brad Pitt? Check.  Ed Norton? Check. Telling your boss to take a flying leap?  Check.  A twisted plot so complex in it’s levels of self exploration it never fully meets an end? Check.  This pulls out all the stops.  Go watch it now.  It’s more important today than when it was released.

X Files: I Want To Believe (2008)

Rated PG-13 for violent and disturbing content and thematic material.
104 Minutes

Directed By: Chris Carter
Written By: Frank Spotnitz and Chris Carter
Staring: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Peet, Bill Connelly, Xzibit, Michael Pileggi, and Adam Godley

This isn’t my life anymore, Mulder. I’m done chasing monsters in the dark. -Dana Scully

Review

No more Stargate and no more X Files.  What was Vancouver doing without their beloved Science Fiction shows being shot?  Each continue to make films and carry on their legacies, but unfortunately for me the second addition, X Files: I Want To Believe, was nothing more than a glorified episode.  I enjoyed the first feature film a great deal, but this addition did very little as far as comparison to other movies was concerned.  It would have been a fun episode but did not stand up as a lone film for me.

Everything starts in true X Files form,being elusive and giving ominous clues to the unveiling of the whole stories plot.  While small pieces of suspicious evidence is revealed, the bulk of the main story is kept a mystery.  Since the characters have long since been established and the director Chris Carter must have assumed only previous X Files fans would be paying to see this movie, there was very little explanation of who Mulder and Scully were, which was one of the things that made it feel more like an episode rather than a full length feature film.  Small references were made to their pasts with the FBI but mostly the relationships were just kind of slapped onto the counter with someone saying: “This is it.  Here they are; popular television icons.”

The performances were okay.  It’s not difficult for David Duchovny or Gillian Anderson to slip back into the roles they played so effortlessly for so many years, but beyond that there was nothing spectacular or overwhelming to make this film or any of the other characters particularly special or stimulating.  The priest had a complex back round and Bill Connelly played him well, but his back story felt forced and the whole complication of him being a pedophile but not in control of himself was just too over the top and a real unnecessary argument in the story.  If the story was more focused on the aspect of the validity of his psychic connection, the bad guys doing bad things, and per usual the complex relationship of Mulder and Scully , the film could have been more sound.  There was the constant feel that extra twists and layers of information were necessary to make the film more compelling, but all it did was distract and lead to a more over worked feel that would have played out better in an episode that was busy building on exploring those different ideas over the period of a season.

I love the characters of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, but the potential they had to work with in this film just never developed properly, though Anderson and Duchovney still maintained the kinetic energy between them, making it seem like they never walked away from playing those roles.  The relationship between the two of them, and still the constant banter of challenging each other in every aspect a person could challenge another person, they made this movie worth watching, even though there was even more opportunity for relationship moments to be explored between them.

With a plot that really wasn’t too interesting, a murderer that wasn’t all that formidable, even though his crimes were pretty much as morally ambiguous as they could be, it was just lost between the sea of personal struggles, the over complex situation of the priest, the back story of Scully’s patient, and of course the introduction of the FBI agent who is relentless in her goal to save the women abducted by Mr. Mad Scientist.

A lot of the basic elements that made the X Files so provocative were clear and present in I Want To Believe, but too many of the set up of the show was implemented in a way that didn’t pan together as a feature film.  Itnever welded itself together like a great season finale even, just more of a collage of episodes that clumsily stumbled to some mid-season peak.  Being a fan of the show and someone who adores the characters of Scully and Mulder.  Hopefully if another film is made it will be more epic and be able to balance what made the show good and the pacing of a motion picture better.  I Want To Believe was just an OK addition to the X Files family.